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(no subject)

Mar. 9th, 2011 | 09:53 pm

can't get enough dubstep to feed my hunger. wish i knew every song every baseline and could feel the deepest bass.
lukas keeps kissing me i gotta go.
he needs a beat down.
yes you do -.-

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just waiting

Mar. 5th, 2011 | 08:42 pm

to go out tonight for tarras anti-boy hindig and some random girls bday.
hope its not vicky
hope its not vicky
hope its not vicky
im going to fall asleeeeeep
just got ready and it took a little too long. but becca's picking me up and she's late right now.
been texting nikki non stop telling her i want to touch her and telling her that we're gonna "knock" each time we see eachother...
we're going to this place called dance cave in toronto by limo. meeting at tarras house who lives pretty close for pre-drink... though im not too sure how much im going to drink since i have to work at 8am tomorrow. at LEAST i have nothing to do sunday night.
oh... wait yes i do. i have to walk bobby. DAMN. but thats ok. Lulu's gonna be with me. i guess i should remind him so he doesnt make plans.

i worked all day together and the entire store knows about my new piercing.
oh they are on their way.
hope this headache fades.
hope it magically becomes sunny with warmth and shine! and rain rain goes away.

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(no subject)

Feb. 21st, 2011 | 08:15 pm

Spent the night in a hotel with L having drinking and sitting in the jacuzzi.
Went to dave and busters first and i beat him in air hockey (we have a air hockey competition every time).
it was so spontaneous, like one of this "what should we do today things?"
We still had to walk bobby tonight, which is actually so much fun together. We grab coffee and listen to Bernice's stories.
Last night her husband was over with a friend.

today L came over after sleeping in till 12pm.
My dad talked to him about big scams and his old days of working for a good hour and a half. i always feel kinda bad for lukas to have to sit there, but he usually leaves and gives me a recap with a smile. he seems to love it and admire my dad after. These moments teach me things about my dad that i would otherwise not know because he doesn't talk to me the way he talks to lukas... he talks to Lukas like hes a man.
we all had dinner together, L and my parents. It was amazing with cake too. I think this was his second time over for dinner besides thanksgiving.
Which is weird because Im always eating dinner at his house.
his moms fish is SO GOOD! totally made me love to eat fish again.

We are now going to watch Shin Chan and be lazy slugs.
i want chips. Jalapeno cheddar chips to be exact. mad cravings right now.

This post is written so porly because i keep being distracted... o well...

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a public update *gasp.

Feb. 16th, 2011 | 11:34 pm
mood: accomplished
music: mgmt- the youth

my day off, over shadowed with endless errands needing to be done... driving school.. doctors appointment for my shoulders.
i love my doctor, she is so eccentric and cute. she sometimes talks over me but i never mind. she sometimes spontaneous gets up and starts jumping around the room and shes so happy always and refferences her children when analyzing me so i feel.. safe..
i rode my bike there, through the salt patches and slush. it started so good until i realized my tires needed air.

i hate winter and grey skies.
i miss going on bike rides and laying in the grass.

i told Lulu in the car ride home tonight that i miss those alone time days i used to have at least once a week when i was in highschool. where i would just... sit in my room.. listen to slow ambient music or something bassy, and be doing something creative, but also infront of the computer.
just sitting with the window open and having nothing to do in my free time. with a pen in my hand.
i feel too old to crave this relaxing alone time now.

working full time in physical work really tires me out, more so in the winter. ive been toying with the idea of going down to part time, but i know its immature, id loose benefits, id be making less money to put towards my future. being 21 with a full time job is a blessing. and a job that some people consider a career nonetheless. i cat wait to groom from home. once i get my own place...

im nostalgic for the good summer days. i told L im soo excited for a summery day starting bright and early where we bike around and drink pomtinis and lay in the grass and wrestle like last summer. then we go into his basement to cool off, and take a nap and eat bananabread, then venture back outside for fireworks and police harassment. i miss our 6 months when we only had 1 firework and we cheered like it was a huge show just for us.

Lukas spoils me. been together almost a year now and i can still see him working so hard to keep the spark alive. everything between us is meer perfect. we spend almost every day together, if not in person, through conversations. and i love our clinginess. i love us.

tonight him and i, and his friend mike went to walk bobby bitch face.
ive been walking this old lady Bernices dog for about 3 months now and she still can't remember my name, but says i look just like her daughter with my red hair.
mike came to get his mind off of girl troubles.
bobby was such a bitch face tonight.
i almost got locked in the elevator.. the door wouldn't close the entire way and attempted to 3 times before i decided i didn't want to star in a horror movie and took the stairs... then the doors exiting the stairwell were all locked so i was forced to take the spooky basement door which spit me out in front of the kitchens garbage area. walking around the building back to the car.

juliana was fired today and i found out when i was right about to nap. she texted me and it made me sad. ive really began to like her...
also.. since a lot of people at work don't like her, they decided to go behind her back and fuck around with her scheduling and i found out yesterday at work. it made me sick. that a bunch of adults were acting like grade schoolers. like "hahaha.. lets book her a giant dog and say its a tiny little yorky and double book her!!"
when i went out to the bar they were talking about it right as i was walking out. laughing and talking about what else they could do to her.  it makes me sick. how could you get off on doing that to people?
thats a really bad example actually.. they did worse things. but that was something which got her in trouble with managers because she was slow.

the sadest part was when i heard her telling the store manager about it. saying "its happened 4 times this week and im always stressed and put behind.." and the manager tried to make her feel stupid and told her she shouldn't accuse other people of random mistakes and her own faults. saying "oh you know, that stuff happens to everyone". uh, no it doesn't.
i was going to call the caresmart phone line about this issue and speak anonymously. but now, its too late.

this girl was an excellent groomer. she loved her work. when there was hard work and other girls bitched she would find it interesting and accept the challenge. she was bullied out of a position she was great at. owners liked her, her work was good. in her early training she never cut a dog. every one has cut a dog. she was patient with them and kind and was a real natural at it.
a bunch of bitches took this all away from her after she went to school for it.
makes me sick how girls can be.

listening to arcade fire now whoo
time for bed
work at 8am

& hopefully gym with sonia or epic nap!!


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(no subject)

Apr. 11th, 2010 | 06:44 pm

am i a strong person or am i just numb?
am i independent or alone?
i dont know
i dont know
i need a guiding light
not a party night
i need good people
people to talk with
why is there no one else like me?
no one else out there who cares about people they dont even really know
or who sees a stranger and tries to help them

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old days

Feb. 4th, 2010 | 11:01 pm

i remember we used to update livejournal pretty often. all of us. even though we saw each other every day, and our entries were pretty much the same. now we all live in seperate bubbles. we are still friends, but not close like before. we should update and stay connected in that special way. or maybe thats too childish for us mature folks. i'm not sure whats to be expected or normal... but it would be really nice to feel close like we were in highschool. im making this post public now... i decided.... even though none of you check lj anymore.

especially daniel since hes so far off without me/us. i miss you blackie.

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well what do i say

Jan. 19th, 2010 | 01:49 am

my cousin Justin was hit by a truck and killed two nights ago. he was 22 years old. i was out eating at wasabi with samer and justin and amy. when i got home mom and dad were still awake and i thought maybe something bad had happened in the news. it was pretty late and they were both up, and i had work early in the morning at 7am. then mom came up to my room and told me and i didnt really know how to respond. she said he was in critical condition and that dad was driving out to london to see him with my other aunt (not his mom) i remember calling samer and telling him but i dont know how i felt at the time. the next morning mom said he died. like 10min later i was at work and i had no time to process anything. the day felt like a blur. i wasnt close with him by any means. in fact i didnt really like him but its not about that its the effect his death has on my family. after work i went home and later in the evening my dad called josh and i into the living room. he told us sad stories about how sad justins life was and how his mom and dad didnt love him the way they love us. about how he had no father figure and how he fought with him mom his whole life. the night he died he ran out on his gf after having an argument with her. we're not even sure if he jumped in front of the truck on purpose or what... the truck driver called 911 and was talking to the priest at the hospital in very slow words and looked so shocked and dazed that he took forever to respond to a question. my dad emphasized his innocence in the situation and brought up how now he too has been effected and maybe he might not be able to return to work and we dont know what hes going through either emotionally. some people never get over stuff like that. my dad started to cry and it was the first time i ever saw him cry. what was odd was how his voice stayed the same and only cracked for a second but he kept talking. my mom said that she listened to my dad tell the story of justin in the hospital and what the doctors said over and over and its like his way of dealing with it. i cried too and then my mom cried and it was weird because nothing like this has ever happened before. apparently something bittersweet happened right before he died... since he had been arguing with his mom on tuesday of last week he met up with her for breakfast and they forgave each other and wanted to tart fresh and my aunt was crying and telling my dad how she went to kiss him, and kissed him twice, but on the third kiss he pulled back and made a joke like "oh mom, 2 kisses is your limit!" and it was the last time she saw him. im SO happy they reconnected before the accident.
there just seems to be a lot of deaths happening all around me. and my nerves cant take it anymore. i feel overly touchy and emotional and like there is a blanket of sadness over everything... watching the news is really making me edgy and i want to know whats happening in the world but i cant handle it right now. i feel pathetic.
thursday is his funeral and it will be the first one ive gone to. i have no idea how people can attend these things and not faint from the sadness. seeing all your family cry.... just awful. but my family is very religious and for them this will be a good gody moment. maybe it will be closure for my grandma, or maybe closure is something that comes with time...

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(no subject)

Nov. 14th, 2009 | 12:23 am
location: the pooper
mood: accomplished
music: madcon- beggin'

too much to say, so im going to list it all.

- im volunteering at a conservatory in my city where i can run through a forest and plant seeds and feed birds and be alone with nature. i may not be entirely alone, my boyfriend had the idea of volunteering, so i'll get to be with him. in winter i can't think of anything more romantic really then the snowy tree's and him and me and the seeds. But there's a lot more to it then that and I am just way more excited about it then i should be. I really want to garden and be an old lady. i want to lead hikes and plant flowers.

- Karen at work, in case you don't know, is a hardcore christian and today she called me the devil for being a non-believer. she said there is a little devil inside of me, making me not believe in god. and he has me right in the palm of his hand, and he's telling me to try to convert others. the funny thing is, I have never tried to convert someone, i may not agree with them but i try very damn hard to respect their beliefs and i have never understood why its so wrong for them to respect mine. I get that she believes every word in the bible… I've talked to her about it only to piss her off when i didn't mean to. she was surprised by how knowledgeable i was about it. knowing the 10 commandments when she couldn't hardly regurgitate them. truthfully i felt so sorry for her. i laughed really hard and she told me that it was the devil inside me laughing. i told her that if i believed i would be very offended, and that im aware she censored her true feelings by her choice in words. she told me it was too rude to go on any further and then the phone rang and interrupted us. what hurt was how hard to do try to go out of my way and help other people i work with. but she doesn't see that. it hurts because she doesn't feel im in control of my own flesh and bones… some devil is… its so stupid. she then went on to the topic of fear and how us non-believers are going to burn in hell. Whats even worse to me is that when Juliana spoke about her religion (i forget the name of it… Bahai? something like that) and it was the first time either of us has heard of it… i was very interested and Karen told Juliana not to talk to me about it. not to teach me about it… even though i have a general curiosity that Karen pointed out is a sign the light of god is trying to shine through but the devil is stopping it. I don't want her to think this of me… because its pure bullshit. no devil and god are raging inside me. AND karen laughed at J's religion every time she told us something about it, even tho it sounded a hell of a lot better then christianity. yeah. a HELL of a lot better. oh shit must be the devil.

- I bought a plane ticket to the Bahama's and im leaving near the end of January with Jen. we are going to be staying at a family friends house who lives there a few months of the year. hes retired, so he'll be there to greet us, give us his car, and then say bye-bye while we have his house. He lives on Grand Bahama Island, in Freeport, which is conveniently close to the international airport and the beach. having his car will be so nice too. i cant wait for the snowy winter to hit me here in canada then fly out to a tropical paradise. he lives in a rich area where a lot of people go to retire and its right next to a country club so it will be full of rich people. this is good for us because a lot of the time touristy areas are surrounded by poverty and theres always a chance go it being… dangerous… getting jumped and stuff. i never think like that though, but its something Jen told me that i was happy to hear. I wish samer could come, but i know that we can always go back next year if its really nice… plus the guy rents super cheap+car+his house. did i mention he's rich and owns hotels? yaaaaaay va-cay. PLUS my work just got vacay pay for part-time employee's :D

- I joined a new guild in WoW and im SUPER excited to be a big nerd and get lots of loot. I was just talking to someone in chat when he invited me to his guild and then ran me through SM twice so i could get XP and he said everyone in his guild is very friendly and willing to help out low lvl's. YAYYYY i love WoW in the winter. its fantasy world takes me away from the snow and sadness i feel when the seasons change. its super social and its a really great conversation started, you'd be surprised how many guys at my work play. I wish S<3 would play but he's hopped up with work, "school", and CoD2…. I sorta am interested in a few xbox games that have come out/are about it but somehow my subscription to xbox live was cancelled??? wahh !! i have to remember to look into this….

-Tomorrow night is Kristen's Bday.. we're going to Body english (again) to celebrate. GIRLS only! huh yay S was happy to hear that. no bf's allowed :P + hotel after party. K warned me she was going to get drunk… apparently we haven't seen her drunk yet? lol im not sure what she means… but it should be an interesting night… shit…. what am i going to wear? my hair? my nails!! the disastrous glue and fake nails i tried on… what a mess… i wish i knew how to wear fake lashes. its the glue.. .it never works. SO happy Jen is going too!! because i don't know anyone else!!

- yesterday Samer, his sisterm and I had some drinks and inflated helium balloons for one of his sisters photography assignments. we tied them to strings and there were 30 or so. her picture was reminiscent of the poster for Up. 30 colorful floating Balloons and "eating" helium make me way to happy. and listing to S sing Fire Burning is way too funny.

oh yah!! watch this!!

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you've got a smile that could light up this whole town.

Sep. 16th, 2009 | 08:34 pm
mood: shy
music: bonobo- recurring

today was my first time meeting him in person after meeting him on WoW and conversing over msn almost every day.  i look pretty happy in this pic, and i am. dreppy (duncan is his real name), samer, and i met up at square one around 1:30ish and had no idea what to do. i was nervous to meet him only because i only wanted him to like me and i know we both don't deal too well with awkward silences. but luckly samer was there and he was very chatty today and made lots of jokes right from the start so i felt a lot more comfortable. i remember driving into the Walmart parking lot and looking around for him but feeling too scared to actually see him. i on the phone with him too and then i saw him standing outside of his car, leaning on it. hes pretty tall. i was really happy samer was there. we went to eat newyork fries and i ate some sushi and miso soup. we laughed at this weird picture of a guy on the tray for a while and then got starbucks coffee's and left. Samer had a doctors appointment for his back pain and i was left alone with Dreppy. freaking nervous, and i think he was too. i was all giggly and shy. i jumped into his jeep and he said "oh yea, these are for you!" and he pointed to these pink flowers resting in a water bottle. we went to playdium and played Deal or no deal, which we both sucked at. he showed me token games, which are usually the ones i ignore, but they were pretty classic and retro looking. it wasnt too awkward. we only talked about the things around us, and that was probably our first conversations like that. then samer came up and grabbed me from behind and surprised me. he came back really fast and we played the dance game that i love, and i even found a machine that had been left unlocked so we were able to steal tickets from it! we did this a lot, and in the end we had about 3000 tickets. we didnt like any of the big toys that were super expensive. so we all got a bunch of candy and little toys. Dreppy lovesss his candy and it was all he got. i got another stamp set, some smiley face stickers, a scary finger puppet, and "snarf-snarf" this really weird jelly animal thing. when i looked at it, it was all i could think of.
i saw an older man played Deal or no deal, and i looked at his screen. i saw he had only two suitcases left... 1 and 100 ! so i walked over to him with my ice-cream cone and said "im going to watch you." and he kept looking at me and smiling. the banker said "ill offer you this..." and i said "NO DEAL!!" and he got all excited and slammed the "no deal" button. but..... he lost...... lol. so i was like "omg dont be mad at me!" and he smiled and gave me his 1 token. he was super cute for an old man. he said "do you want to watch me play again?" and i said "sure!" but that round, he only won 2 tokens. but it was my fault. haha oops. he was nice about it, and gave them to me anyways.

Then we left and went to pick up josh a.k.a pop can, from school. i didnt hang out with him for too long. only the car ride. and then Dreppy went home, and samer dropped me off at home too. i wanted to hang out still, but i knew that samer hadn't seen J in forever, and it was better for him to have his guy time. but i did really want to cuddle and watch TV.

here are the pretty flowers Dreppy picked for me from his garden. he cut a little hole into the bottle cap and everything and gave them to me when i jumped into his car.

when i got home dinner had just been made. i looked out into the backyard and saw a fuzz ball curled up onto the back fence. i went out and threw a strawberry at it because i had no idea what it was and it wasnt responding to my meow sounds. (i thought it was a cat), but it looked up and it was a very sick looking raccoon. out in the open, and people were in the backyards around us, and it was still sunny out. so i think it had rabbies because i know thats a symptom of it. i think it was mange actually because he had bald patches on his head and legs. anyways, whatever it was it was freaky. i wish i took a pic.

now i feel like relaxing the rest of the night. tomorrow i work at 12:30 which is nice because i still get to sleep in.

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(no subject)

Apr. 1st, 2009 | 10:24 pm
music: jambi- tool.

i feel like running across a country through its back allies and never stopping.
i need an outlet (photography? drawing?)
i need more sun.

summer is approaching, and im stuck in work most of the day.i look forward to the long walk home listening to my ipod and feeling the wind. today i couldn't because i have too many blisters on the backs of my ankles.

monday was memorable and exciting. went for a neck massage at the mall after pulling the worst muscle in my neck ever! i thought id have to go to the hospital, and im not even exaggerating. the lady had cold hands and she dig in to my knots. she was surprised by how tight my lower back. later i went to an irish pub close by and drank strongbow and sipped cosmos. the pub was empty, and the lighting was perfect. THEN off to DeNNYS!!!! for din din and it was so good but after we felt like barfing. then home.

im glad i never bought a cat when i wanted one for so many reasons.

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